Waikay said it was a bully to run a 6 hours race and podium, because I am overqualified (so flattered) and in fact should be doing at least 12h. Lol. But really it was quite a lousy run coz I can’t even hit a 54km (9kmh) with such a great aidstation support and the company of others. Regressed a lot as compare to last year where I can do a 50km in 5:18 on the same track even without any support and in the dark alone, plus a 25km run the night before. Big applause to my old self. Thumbs down and a big hug to my current self who still has the gut to run publicly. Yes this is what I want to say: I am unfit for any race. And the reason I could still podium (in mixed category some more) is because I am one the best rubbish among the rubbish. And yes this is how I lose everyone for being my truest self and got everyone (the RD and other participants) badly offended. Lol. I wasn’t prepared to join this race really. How could one with 40km weekly mileage on treadmill go for a 6 hours run? I can’t even do an FM properly. The initial plan is to watch how 24h runners perform but then Hwee Peng said most people take this as training instead of their A race and since I will be watching the race for at least 12 hours and needed a long run too (no LSD in the past few months)… Might as well run a 6h. So just take it as a timekiller + fat burning run. 50km is the bottom line I told myself. I can comfortably run an FM at about 445 then use the remaining time to make up the 8km, which is very doable. Did suffer a bit here and there due to lack of training but no biggies. (Having that said, I still need to fine tune my form coz people said I was too upright and some times leaning back lol. That bad meh) I would rate this run 6 or 7 out of 10 / B+ for hitting the distance target and get to burn off some calories. On another note I think SK and Allan did a great job. Aids station is well stocked as always and they even provide miso soup with rice this time. I personally think it’s a good idea. Not much chewing needed coz it’s soupy and comes with great source of carb, protein and sodium too (?). The shirt design looks okay surprisingly. Kudos to the organising team for forking out their best even though they are losing big money this time.
Club queen on the downtown scene
Prowling around at night
You’re not mean, you’re just born to be seen
Born to be wild
A little party never hurt no one, that’s why it’s alright
You want in but you just can’t win
So you hang in the lights
You’re so Art Deco, out on the floor
Shining like gun metal, cold and unsure
Baby, you’re so ghetto
You’re looking to score
When they all say hello
You try to ignore them
Cause you want more (why?)
You want more (why?)
You want more (why?)
Cause you want more
You think you can live for another 5 years at least, if you don’t deliberately kill yourself. Let me remind you this, you may die tomorrow. You may not wake up from the sleep, or get killed on the way to work, hit by car while doing your evening run, or slip in the bathroom and bang your head on the wall. You never know what will happen in the next day, the next moment. And if you keep thinking about the future but live like a loser every single day before the undefined future comes, you will probably die as a loser. Yeah very likely. You are what you repeatedly do. Seize the day, my dear, just seize day. Remind yourself every single day that death is very near that you could actually smell it. Think of death every time you have your morning coffee. Picture yourself lying in a pool of blood and feeling cold; or on the bed surrounded by the loved ones and your eyelids are getting heavier; or holding hands of the strangers while the plane is about to crash and burn; or simply you laying yourself down in the coffin and a moment of silent in total darkness. And if you think these imaginations are not vivid enough to send chill to the spine, visit the hospital or hospice with lots of terminally ill people, attend cancer support group like how Edward Norton did in Fight Club, hug the cancer patient and try to empathize, or simply go to Xiao En Centre and feel it. Go near to the coffin and look at the face of the deceased. Every single day if you could afford the time. And then come home and make yourself a cup of coffee again. It will not taste as bitter anymore.
Maybe I should make myself look older. Old enough to fence off the 20 something kids who try to flirt but do not have something smart to say. Lame. Very lame. Like asking which way the train is heading to. Or if we have met before becoz I look familiar. Or if the product I am looking at is good. I think all these random talk won’t work for me, except those happen in a bookstore or running track. Ah that Greek guy was exceptionally good. At least I was impressed when I was like 23 years old. A hyperactive nerd with double degree raised by an art historian lol. If we meet again I will probably ask him which songs he insisted the receptionist to play (Actually the bgm is not that bad I once heard Bach’s double violin.) And then this guy who was looking at Bukowski’s The People Look Like Flower at Last, if my memory didn’t fail me. What a coincidence that’s exactly what I was looking for. No he didn’t talk to me but that’s the only time I feel like talking to a stranger. To avoid looking like a stalker I picked up Allen Ginsberg pulak which was rather messy savage and raw to my liking. Sometimes I wonder if it is possible to meet someone in this city who is fit both physically and mentally, not older than my father, still available and not a bastard. Preferably a German with good command of English. Maybe I should start screening Andre’s friend list. Lol
I know this will happen it’s just a matter of time. Saw it in Facebook while casually sliding through the news feed before sleep. heart did skip a beat. She seems like a nice girl and they actually look more compatible. Glad that he has already moved on while I am still feeling guilty. Now I can move on too. And play Adele’s song for 99 times.
Think I missed Beijing very badly that I dreamed of her last night. We were on a business trip in other country but somehow ended up in Beijing and I thick-skinnedly asked for extended stay alone in this city. It’s funny how you consciously try to stay away from things that once scarred you deeply but your subconscious tell you that you actually WANTED it. True enough the trip ended in a sad note for everyone coz we were accused of stealing million dollar paintings, got pushed around by those in top positions with different agendas and had to stay behind the bars for a few nights with some creepy drug mules. But then the time spent in Beijing was quite a fond memory when I try to recount …. I missed the day we spent so lavishly in the Olympic park, the grandiose landscape design of the summer palace, the large-scale fresco of Diego Rivera in the National Art Museum, the National Performing Art Centre right in front of Forbidden City that looks like a huge floating golden ball surrounded by a ring of still water but changed to a yemingzhu at night where one could see through the wall from the outside, the night I got so drunk becoz of taking too much Baijiu and thrown up 3 times in the car on the way back, and how the artist laughed at me for not wearing socks in autumn time when temperature at night were close to 1c … Yeah I missed all this. I am coming back very very soon, I think.
I thought, I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around and he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well, you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
The conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on
Nothing’s fine, I’m torn
I’m all out of faith
This is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn
People are generally living in a dream state of mind, a form of defense mechanism to fight the reality, sort of like a fragile floating bubble. Of course they don’t stay there 24 / 7, but then they will try to seek refuge in this bubble as frequent as possible, that will keep them sane (in their own terms). They are Marion Cortillard in Inception, the mother in Requiem for a Dream, and Edward Norton in Fight Club.
And then there are a small amount of people living outside of this bubble. They are the blessed and the damned. Blessed and damned by the conscious knowledge of reality. They refused to seek refuge in the unreal, and force themselves to look life and reality in the face. Some succumbed to the loneliness and bitterness of staying too long outside. They lack the stamina or the defense mechanism. They died. Some blown their head with shotgun, some baked it in the oven, some sank into the river. They chose the abyss.
You too had a bubble once. It was warm and cozy, so full of joy, laughter and hope, just like everybody else’s one. One day a stranger walked pass your bubble looking cold, distant and … unworldly. You wonder where was he come from, and out of curiosity you invited him in. And then you found out that he was astray, voluntarily. Everything happened after that was history. Your bubble burst and you too is now astray voluntarily, walking in the cold, wet and dark street alone. You once tried to rebuild the dreamy bubble but it just doesn’t form well like the one you used to have. Your many attempts were proven futile. You felt cursed. Of knowing too much. Of contemplating too much. When you were outside.
It is not the way to live, being outside for too long. You said to yourself. Sooner or later you will jump into the abyss. But you also don’t want to burst people’s bubble for company’s sake. Sure enough their bubble will burst one day and they will suffer for a while too. But then some will build a new one or they will jump straight into the abyss. Most people just don’t linger outside. But you chose to linger. Outside. And you can’t do that for too long. When it’s insufferable you walk into people’s dream and feel the warmth inside. You talk and laugh, just like everyone else. You listen. To the reality they perceived inside the bubble. You smile and nod. Where do you come from? Some times they will ask. From another bubble across the street, the one as comfy and cozy as yours. You lied but in a good way. And then you secretly help to make the wall of their bubble thicker just so that it won’t burst so easily. Just so that people could always stay inside. Just so that when you can’t take the cold and loneliness outside anymore you have places to go, albeit temporarily.
But deep down you know where do you belong.
Fun outing with friends over the weekend at Nuang doing nothing important, just lots of talking and eating while popcorning 17 poor souls scaling the mountain 5 times in a span of 33 hours. Getting less awkward and more comfortable now with these friends as compared to last year that they start to expose their unsanitized self, well physically and intellectually. I will probably need a week or so to clean out the crap the body and mind has absorbed lol, for example the chandelier dance and the explanation of pingpong show in thailand (imagining warm coke coming out from …) Did plan to go for a 20k LSD from carpark to Lolo during day time but then was assigned to man the front desk so the plan was called off. In return I get to stalk the results and do lots of live updates on facebook. That’s fun too. (But too bad due to my privacy setting not everyone get to see what I’ve posted). Also there’s something very pure and substantial of the race and people that has touched my soft spot. I hope these characteristics will be retained like forever in this race.